I Miss My Mom

I miss my mom.

She died about a month ago.  We found out she had cancer on a Wednesday and the following Tuesday she died.  On the day of the cancer diagnosis she also had a stroke, so she couldn't speak and loss the use of the right side of her body.

I have been mostly numb since that Wednesday.  My mom and I talked all the time, about almost everything, and even when she didn't give me the answers I wanted, I loved talking to her.  The fact that during the last days with her we couldn't talk is always going to haunt me.  I sat by her bed and talked to her, told her stories about my kids and all that kind of stuff. It wasn't enough. I wanted he to talk to me and laugh at my stories, I wanted her not to die.

I am adult, I have been married for over ten years I have have four children.  On paper it would look like I am well past the stage of needing a mother. Not true.  I needed her. I still need her. I need that very unique relationship between a mother and daughter.  I need to her get me, I need to her to talk me off the ledge. I need her to frustrate me and drive me crazy.  I need her to remind me how lucky I am.  I need her to give me a kick in the ass.

This is really the first time I have talked about how much I miss her.  I can't or rather, I don't talk about it with my brother and sisters because I am sure they miss her just as much, and we don't really have time to sit around missing her.  We are caring for my father who has Alzheimer's disease.  He asks where my mom is all the time.  They were married for 60 years.  Her presence is what made  his world make sense.  He called her The Boss.  We had no idea how much she was doing for him until she was gone.  Not because we weren't around or weren't helping, but because she didn't want us to know how much help he needed. And, like us, she thought she would be here forever.

My grandmother died when my mom was a little younger than me, at that time she had 4 children as well ( I came along a few years later).  Mum never really stopped missing Grandma. She talked about her all the time.  Even though I never met my grandmother I have always felt like I knew her.  This is probably the gift my mother would want me to give to my children.  I will make sure they know her, not just know about her, I will make sure they know her.

But really, I just want her back.